Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Children of the corn 🌽
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
When can I start eating bats again.