@junejuly12

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

You Might Also Like

@fairycakes

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

@IamEnidColeslaw

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

@clichedout

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@thestlouisan

Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not

@TheToddWilliams

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

@noog

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

@DadInUtah

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

@rotusbrossum

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.