@fairycakes
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
@junejuly12
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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@fairycakes
@LoveNLunchmeat
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
@Michael1979
Congratulations to my uncle and his team on today’s big news 👍
@IamEnidColeslaw
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
@clichedout
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
@thestlouisan
Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not
@TheToddWilliams
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
@noog
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
@DadInUtah
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
@rotusbrossum
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.