A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Congratulations to my uncle and his team on today’s big news 👍
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
me: will I go to jail in the future
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Who’s the idiot who named the song ‘The Sound of Silence’ and not
MAMA: You need to make more friends
MAMA: I should have been more specific
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.