boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”