BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
A leaf blower, but for people.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real