Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]

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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen


Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.


If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.


If you want her – tell her.
If you need her – show her.
If you yearn for her – touch her.

Just make sure her husband’s not at home.



ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one


My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.


My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order


I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?