@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]

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@imdaintyaf

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

@reczit

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

@HenpeckedHal

If you woke up in the morning to find your house looking like this you’d be celebrating. Weird times, man.

@carlyme23

If you want her – tell her.
If you need her – show her.
If you yearn for her – touch her.

Just make sure her husband’s not at home.

@TheToddWilliams

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

@Puncroaker

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

@vineyille

My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order

@NickadooLA

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?