Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]

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cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there


Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped


right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson


I can’t believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.


Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW


If LeBron is better than Jordan, then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never asked for his help in a game in space. Can’t argue with facts.


Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming


I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.


(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world


bay: come over
me: no you’re a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward
bay: my parents aren’t home
me: how are you talking