@ArfMeasures

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

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@JohnLyonTweets

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

@HenpeckedHal

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

@ThePawfessor

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

@Just_A_Guy72

NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.

I call bullshit.

After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed

@ginnyhogan_

I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.

@MafiaJoker78

Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..

Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.

@OrangeFact

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

@thenatewolf

*a man runs into the bar*

“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”

*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

@sfreeze6

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.