@ArfMeasures

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

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@AnnietheNanny1

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

@FatherWithTwins

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

@FuckTyping

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@rhysjamesy

The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

@just1fool

Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.

@MissSassy_Pants

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles