Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!