M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
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“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.
I call bullshit.
After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed
I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.
Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..
Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*a man runs into the bar*
“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”
*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.