Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
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I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Oh hi lol
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.