Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.