Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“Why you watching this shit?”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer