boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
😂😂😂
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*