boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.