Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
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[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Seek kebab; not attention
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?