“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you