Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
☠️☠️☠️
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.