BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

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God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes


People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.


I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.


*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family


I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.


<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no


my mom: you need to call and make that appointment yourself
me: actually i’m okay. i really only need one good ankle


Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters