LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
You Might Also Like
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop