@WilliamAder

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

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@skickwriter

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare

@chrisdowning

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

@Tharin_P

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

@419BillE

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

@sucittaM

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.