Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

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Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!


that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare


You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.


Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.


You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.


Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”


Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.