boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Otters see a butterfly.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.