@CornOnTheGoblin: Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

@flashember: WIFE: Will he ever wake up? DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it W: i sold his pet hamster ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

@ShutUpThatsWho: WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change WIFE: ok you’ve got a week ME: [crying] a weak what?

@Pork_Chop_Hair: *drinks beer from my glass slipper*

@daplusk: The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're named Ralph