THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
ME: she exclaimed
ME: she was speechless
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.