Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
You Might Also Like
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.