@shesananteater

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

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@NicestHippo

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus

@DaddyJew

8: I want the new iPhone

Me: you’ve never had a phone so you have to start with one of these

8: what’s this?

Me: 2 cans and a string

@nyquills

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

@Midgetspar

If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I’d only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days.

@joelebean

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

@Part_Time_Poet_

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

@TheAlexP

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

@daemonic3

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?