Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
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Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?