Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them


I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.


One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.


The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.


Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.


• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over


Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred


The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.


Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.