Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
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Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall