@ojedge

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

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@thedadvocate01

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

@DevilryFun

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

@UncleDuke1969

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

@donni

Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture

@tastefactory

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

@IamEveryDayPpl

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

@DownFrontArtist

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

@dulcetry

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!