BOSS: why are you late?


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You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.


I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.


You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.


If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.


Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture


*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.


LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.


The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.


Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!