BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Is anyone gonna tell them?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.