BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.