@PleaseBeGneiss

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

- @PleaseBeGneiss

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@chuuew

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

@WaxDragonflies

Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??

17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.

Me- go to your room.

@TheRealRHB

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

@Cpin42

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

@brittwastaken

*walks seductively up to table*
*licks lips*

Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.

@3sunzzz

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

@bobblegagger

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

@BlindChow

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend