Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
new career option?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.