@ArfMeasures

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

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@whatmaddness

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

@VeganZebra

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

@kathybotteas

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

@TitansHomer

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

@drayzze

Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”

So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth

@jdforshort

Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to

1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers

@jaggedape

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@dafloydsta

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop