The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
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Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”
So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth
Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to
1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*pulls pants up
*forgets to poop