BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Hero horse inspires millions
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.