you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Boss: Why did you call off yesterday?
Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company.
Me: I’ll take that promotion now.
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?
*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.