Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES