@Playing_Dad

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

@xxsomebunnyxx

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

@RadiationGhoul

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

@AmishPornStar1

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

@EvilHeart20

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

@PondBubbles

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

@TheHyyyype

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

I’m far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?

@Tryptofantastic

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.