Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN