[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.
I’m far less concerned with who let it out, and more curious as to why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.