You Might Also Like
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙