@Roxtalled

Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.

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@RobDenBleyker

I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.

@iGreenMonk

Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.

@UncleDuke1969

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

@badteacher4u

Strangely enough, yelling “I have a masters degree!” at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.

@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

@sarcasticmommy4

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

@seandunn76

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

@FunnyCauseImFat

At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.

@tat2dsoccermom

My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.