Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.

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I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.


Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.


Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!


Strangely enough, yelling “I have a masters degree!” at this electric wine opener is not helping me figure out how to make it work. Weird.


*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?


My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?


This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob


Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.


At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.


My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.