It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
based al yankovic
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes