@thejamietighe

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

You Might Also Like

@LHGarrett

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

@vangobot

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
 <⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

   ∧_∧ oh no
   ( ・ω・) im late for work
  _| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

 <⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

@3sunzzz

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

@brynnester

Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?

Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?

Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering

@lincnotfound

john hancock spilled baked beans on the declaration of independence then tried to cover it up & the real reason nicolas cage stole it was to prove this theory correct, thus making national treasure a documentary & why massachusetts is known for baked beans. in this thesis i will

@SnarkyMommy78

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

@coketruck76

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

@NotThatNixon

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

@Rica_Bee

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks