EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Happy Caturday!
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Whoa 😂
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Wait a minute…
I’m calling the cops.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent