“Paper or plastic?”
Sorry i have a boyfriend
“Thats cool, but how should i bag your grocer-”
I think we should just be friends
Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?
Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?
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*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
For them dirty farmers.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Doctor: Are you on any antidepressants?
Me: You mean like nachos? Yes.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.