Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.