I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Only Americans understand
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.