Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.