@mdob11

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

- @mdob11

You Might Also Like

@SuperTeeWhy

[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]

“Damn”

@Beardson

These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.

@TheLoinRanger

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

@Coops_Bradley

Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote “California” for ethnicity on her clinic forms.

@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@patnspankme

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

@38percentsure

“I’m half black and I’m trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?”

@DanMentos

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees