Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Stop it! 😂
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell