@mdob11

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

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@mortimermaiden

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

@AndrewNadeau0

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

@Underchilde

My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.

@FrogAvalanche

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@jwoodham

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

@MakesYouGiggle

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?