Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Except marriage, marriage will kill you.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?