boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
And then there were 4
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness