BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
bears
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.