Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
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The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“Drop it like its hot”
-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”