Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…