Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.


Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars


All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.


HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT


instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these


Opportunity knocks once, however temptation likes to lean on the door bell.


Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.


My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.


I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain


Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”