Me: One food please.
Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.
Beer Fan : Budweiser?
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[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
No, Karen, sexy coronavirus is NOT a good halloween costume
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.