@BreachingBad
@geowizzacist
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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@geowizzacist
@3sunzzz
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
@TheBeerGuy73
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
@JasonLastname
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
@hermanntrude
No, Karen, sexy coronavirus is NOT a good halloween costume
@JohnLyonTweets
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
@EndhooS
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
@Lisabug74
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
@david8hughes
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.