@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

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@3sunzzz

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

@TheBeerGuy73

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

@JohnLyonTweets

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

@EndhooS

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

@Lisabug74

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

@david8hughes

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.