@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

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@dshack8

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

@i_zzzzzz

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

@DurtMcHurtt

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

@GraceSpelman

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

@twylaredsun

Opportunity knocks once, however temptation likes to lean on the door bell.

@LaetPO

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

@xLiserx

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

@heychikabumbum

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”