Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

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[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.


Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?


JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK



~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages


“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.


[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant


I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.


The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.