Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.