@SaulOdenkirk

Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..

Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?

Boss: No..

Me: Good talk

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@hellohappy_time

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

@murrman5

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

@TheMichaelRock

People like to make fun of my fanny pack until they need a napkin or a chicken nugget.

@stodghill10

what happens when you put nutella on salmon

u get salmonella

haha haha

someone d8 me plz

@david8hughes

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

@KentWGraham

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

@Nahdude83

Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.

@CrockettsBeard

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

@WilliamRodgers

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby