Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..

Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?

Boss: No..

Me: Good talk

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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.


*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night


People like to make fun of my fanny pack until they need a napkin or a chicken nugget.


what happens when you put nutella on salmon

u get salmonella

haha haha

someone d8 me plz


“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”


No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”


Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.


My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…


How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby