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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer