Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..

Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?

Boss: No..

Me: Good talk

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Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.


You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.


FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30


Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.


Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop


I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁


[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone


Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?


My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.