Paint thinner? Bullshit.
Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.
Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..
Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?
Me: Good talk
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You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Three seconds into a three way:
We need to hurry this up. I have to poop
I don’t gossip because:
1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.