@Brampersandon_

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

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@NomDeBenoit

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

@mejustbeth

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

@thenatewolf

*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!

@david8hughes

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

@UnFitz

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

@sageboggs

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

@fro_vo

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

@MrEd_EVH

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it