@Brampersandon_

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

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@autogynefiles

OMG— I JUST GOT INTO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL. THE LOCK WAS SO WEAK— A SMALL HAMMER WAS MORE THAN SUFFICIENT! 💞🔒🛠

@noog

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

@jilltwiss

My best guy friend and I vowed if we’re still single at 45, we def won’t marry each other because who wants to marry someone no one likes?

@noog

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

@lincnotfound

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

@Donna_McCoy

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.