Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Unimpressed
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*