doctor: you need to eat healthy
doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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Any speed can be ‘breakneck’ speed if you’re clumsy enough.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Me: say it
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[Gets on one knee]
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.