boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things