Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.