me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
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GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Imagine being so rich you could afford the other monocle.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
*our canoe tips over*
If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you
if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!