Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

You Might Also Like


me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING


GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar


Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym


The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.


My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.


If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you


if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas


*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.