@RandomRamblr

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

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@ndiquote

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

@Chumpstring

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

@david8hughes

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

@TheTweetOfGod

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

@GlumGeorgeLucas

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

@KKAlThani

If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you

@fart

if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas

@3sunzzz

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!