Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

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*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas


As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”


My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.


We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls


Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this


Dream girl:
-can pull off wearing a hat
-a fan of the theater
-abolished slavery
-is Abraham Lincoln


Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.


My phone autocorrected the word ”never” to ”beef feet.” Yes, phone, ”beef feet” is what I meant.

”Beef feet” say die.


[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*


“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”

– Julius Caesar’s actual last words