@CruisinSoozan

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

You Might Also Like

@jada_captain

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

@GrantTanaka

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

@junejuly12

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

@anerdonfire2

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

@thenatewolf

Me: I know you from somewhere

Jesus: I get that a lot

Me: no I’m sure

Jesus: just one of those faces

Me: [holding arms out] go like this

@kadyngriffiths

Dream girl:
-tall
-skinny
-can pull off wearing a hat
-honest
-a fan of the theater
-abolished slavery
-is Abraham Lincoln

@simoncholland

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

@DanKCharnley

My phone autocorrected the word ”never” to ”beef feet.” Yes, phone, ”beef feet” is what I meant.

”Beef feet” say die.

@TheCatWhisprer

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

@delusions_of

“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”

– Julius Caesar’s actual last words