“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.